A miscarriage
 We had been married six years, had three kids and I found myself pregnant again.  I was
upset about it, did not feel ready for another pregnancy or baby, and resented the whole
idea. It took a few weeks for me to adjust but I did get used to the idea, and actually wanted
the baby. A week later I miscarried.
I was shocked to say the least. I felt like I had caused it because of my attitude, or maybe I
was being punished because of it. I also felt a great loss because I really had wanted this
baby.
It was necessary to go to the emergency room with this because I was hemorrhaging. I
ended up having a D&C to finish what had started. When it was over and I went home the
next morning, I hid in my bedroom. I spent the next three days in my room, only coming out
for meals. I did not want to see anyone. During this three days I prayed a great deal. I told
my Father in Heaven that I was sorry for my attitude in the beginning, that I did not
understand why this child was gone when there was no medical reason for it. I continued in
this vein until I was given comfort and an answer three days later.
I was informed that this was not my fault, it just was. I was told to use this as a learning
experience to help others who go through the same thing. I was also enveloped in my
savior's love and comforted over the loss. I was at peace. I was able to rejoin my family and
move on with life after this, I never looked back, but have never forgotten the experience.
I went back to the doctor for a checkup, the doctor told me that it was a normally developed
fetus and that it was a boy. He said that there was no medical reason for this to have
occurred. He then attempted to reassure me by saying, "It's okay, you're young and healthy,
you've already had three healthy babies, you can have more if you want. Its not like this was
your first and you are unable to carry a baby full term." This did not make me feel any better,
I knew that I could have more babies if I wanted to, I was upset because of the loss of this
one in particular. Another baby is not going to replace what was lost.
A well meaning friend asked me why I was so upset when I had not wanted the baby in the
first place. How do you respond to that when it had been true?  I hung my head because of
my guilt and quietly said that I had come to want it.
A couple of months after I had miscarried I was visiting a friend who had a newborn baby. I
was holding her and found myself thinking about the baby I had lost. I sat there looking at
this baby and quietly cried for the loss I had experienced. This was when I finished
mourning and accepted this loss for what it was.