Why an Abuser doesn't want to change
This list is from Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of
Angry and Controlling Men.
Why an abuser is determined to not stop: (Think of a tyrant king here)
- The intrinsic satisfaction of power and control
- Getting his way, especially when it matters to him the most
- Someone to take his problems out on
- Free labor from her; leisure and freedom for him
- Being the center of attention, with priority given to his needs
- Financial control
- Ensuring that his career, education, or other goals are prioritized
- Public status of partner and/or father without the sacrifices
- The approval of his friends and relatives
- Double standards
Note that Mr. Bancroft has been treating domestic violence perpetrators for over twenty
years. He is firm on the issues that spouse abusers are self-centered in their thinking and
actions. He states that these abusers core problem is that they have a distorted sense of
right and wrong; that they do not have problems with their own anger, but the anger of their
spouse because it interferes with getting what they want and it challenges their authority.
Angry and Controlling Men.
Why an abuser is determined to not stop: (Think of a tyrant king here)
- The intrinsic satisfaction of power and control
- Getting his way, especially when it matters to him the most
- Someone to take his problems out on
- Free labor from her; leisure and freedom for him
- Being the center of attention, with priority given to his needs
- Financial control
- Ensuring that his career, education, or other goals are prioritized
- Public status of partner and/or father without the sacrifices
- The approval of his friends and relatives
- Double standards
Note that Mr. Bancroft has been treating domestic violence perpetrators for over twenty
years. He is firm on the issues that spouse abusers are self-centered in their thinking and
actions. He states that these abusers core problem is that they have a distorted sense of
right and wrong; that they do not have problems with their own anger, but the anger of their
spouse because it interferes with getting what they want and it challenges their authority.