Domestic Violence - Batterer Myths
MYTH 1 - He was abused as a child.
Reality - There is no clear connection between men who were abused as children and men
who abuse women. There is a clear connection between men who are violent toward other
men and having been abused as a child. There is one exception - men who are brutally
physically violent toward women often have childhood abuse in their past. Men who use past
childhood abuse as an excuse for battering women do not bring it up when faced with need
for change.
MYTH 2 - His previous partner hurt him.
Reality - The abusive man using this excuse is usually describing his own behavior toward
his previous partner, making himself look like a victim. This also is used to gain sympathy
form the new partner to convince her to put up with the abuse. For most people, being hurt
by someone in the past is an explanation for how they feel, not an excuse for how they
behave toward others.
MYTH 3 - He abuses those he loves the most.
Reality - Our feelings can influence how we want to act, but our choices of how to behave
are determined by our attitudes and habits. People who are severely traumatized or are
suffering from major mental illnesses are the only ones whose feelings are governed by their
feelings. A minute percentage of abusive men have these types of severe psychological
problems. Emotionally healthy people usually reserve their best behavior for those they love
the most.
MYTH 4 - He holds in his feelings too much.
Reality - This appears to have the ring of truth because the general consensus is that men
bottle up their feelings. However, abusive men tend to have an exaggerated idea of the
importance of their feelings and tend toward talking about and acting out their feelings all the
time. Their real problem is lack of understanding about others feelings.
MYTH 5 - He has an aggressive personality.
Reality - Most spouse abusers get along very well with others, in fact are often considered
charming and charismatic by everyone except their wife and children. Personality problems
don't manifest only in the presence of a spouse, everyone the abuser associates with will
see the problem.
MYTH 6 - He loses control.
Reality - Spouse abusers who throw and break things don't break their own stuff and they
don't clean up the mess they make either. They break their victim's stuff and the victim
cleans it up. This is a calculated fear tactic that only hurts the victim, and one that is usually
not carried too far according to the abuser's moral standard - which is distorted. The abuser
is almost always in control and will stop before crossing that line.
MYTH 7 - He is too angry.
Reality - Abusers attitudes produce fury. Abusers are self-centered and become enraged
when attention is not focused exclusively on them. They are not abusive because they are
angry, they are angry because they abuse - This should not be mistaken for feeling guilty for
abusing.
MYTH 8 - He is mentally ill.
Reality - A very small percentage of abusers are mentally ill. Mental illness does not cause
abuse to happen, however, it can escalate the severity of abusiveness. Always bear in mind
that everything an abuser does, no matter how insane it looks, is calculated to insight fear
and compliance in his victim, and it usually works very well.
MYTH 9 - He hates women.
Reality - The attitude of an abuser toward women is disrespect and based on a sense of
superiority or contempt toward females. Disrespect is not hatred, if it were hatred abusers
would also feel this way toward their mothers, sisters, female friends and coworkers.
MYTH 10 - He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
Reality - If this were the case, why isn't everyone who fears abandonment an abuser?
Abusive men are often jealous and possessive, and their behaviors escalate when their
partners try to break up with them (Check for the selfish attitude here). Abusers worst
incidents are after periods of mounting tension, not after moments of great closeness. Some
abusers don't allow intimacy in their relationships, yet abuse anyway. This also does not
account for the many men who have strong fears of intimacy and don't abuse.
MYTH 11 - He has low self-esteem.
Reality - Abused women stroke their abuser husband's self-esteem in hopes of preventing
more abuse. This does not stop the abuse, it tends to escalate it instead. An abuser expects
his woman to cater to him, the more she does it, the more he wants (that selfish attitude
again). He likes and gets used to the luxurious treatment and demands more to feed his
insatiable appetite for pampering (the attention is all on him). Think about the victims
degradation by the abuser and how it destroys self-esteem - does that make her into a cruel
and explosive person?
MYTH 12 - His boss mistreats him.
Reality - Some of the worst abusers have been at the top of the management ladder, and
not had a boss to blame. The more power they had at work, the more catering and
submission was expected at home. Others say that they have so much power at work that
they can't turn it off when they get home - so are they abusive bosses too? Not usually.
MYTH 13 - He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
Reality - Abusers have normal skills in communication and conflict resolution - they just
choose to not use them. They have normal work lives where they get along with their
coworkers and superiors, yet at home they don't. They have the skills and choose to use
them at work, but not at home.
MYTH 14 - There are as many abusive women as abusive men.
Reality - While there are some women who abuse their husbands, they are rare compared to
the number of men abusing women. It is said that men don't come forward about their
abusive wives because of the shame. Women experience the same depth of shame, yet they
come forward in droves. If shame were the deterrent for telling about the abuse, no one
would tell. We would still be blind to the issues of any type of abuse going on around us.
MYTH 15 - His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner.
Reality - Abusive men can continue abusing for twenty or thirty years and still function in
society in a healthy way. They can pass the psychological tests for child custody better than
their wives because they have not been the ones suffering the trauma of abuse for years.
MYTH 16 - He is a victim of racism.
Reality - The majority of abusive men are white, usually well educated and economically
privileged - meaning that discrimination cannot be a central cause of domestic violence. If a
man has personally experienced oppression, he is just as likely to be sympathetic to a
womans plight as not, just like with childhood abuse.
MYTH 17 - He abuses alcohol or drugs.
Reality - Alcohol does not create an abuser any more than sobriety can cure one. There are
many abusive men who do not drink, and many alcoholic men who do not abuse. The only
way an abusive man can overcome his abusiveness is by dealing with the abusiveness.
Reality - There is no clear connection between men who were abused as children and men
who abuse women. There is a clear connection between men who are violent toward other
men and having been abused as a child. There is one exception - men who are brutally
physically violent toward women often have childhood abuse in their past. Men who use past
childhood abuse as an excuse for battering women do not bring it up when faced with need
for change.
MYTH 2 - His previous partner hurt him.
Reality - The abusive man using this excuse is usually describing his own behavior toward
his previous partner, making himself look like a victim. This also is used to gain sympathy
form the new partner to convince her to put up with the abuse. For most people, being hurt
by someone in the past is an explanation for how they feel, not an excuse for how they
behave toward others.
MYTH 3 - He abuses those he loves the most.
Reality - Our feelings can influence how we want to act, but our choices of how to behave
are determined by our attitudes and habits. People who are severely traumatized or are
suffering from major mental illnesses are the only ones whose feelings are governed by their
feelings. A minute percentage of abusive men have these types of severe psychological
problems. Emotionally healthy people usually reserve their best behavior for those they love
the most.
MYTH 4 - He holds in his feelings too much.
Reality - This appears to have the ring of truth because the general consensus is that men
bottle up their feelings. However, abusive men tend to have an exaggerated idea of the
importance of their feelings and tend toward talking about and acting out their feelings all the
time. Their real problem is lack of understanding about others feelings.
MYTH 5 - He has an aggressive personality.
Reality - Most spouse abusers get along very well with others, in fact are often considered
charming and charismatic by everyone except their wife and children. Personality problems
don't manifest only in the presence of a spouse, everyone the abuser associates with will
see the problem.
MYTH 6 - He loses control.
Reality - Spouse abusers who throw and break things don't break their own stuff and they
don't clean up the mess they make either. They break their victim's stuff and the victim
cleans it up. This is a calculated fear tactic that only hurts the victim, and one that is usually
not carried too far according to the abuser's moral standard - which is distorted. The abuser
is almost always in control and will stop before crossing that line.
MYTH 7 - He is too angry.
Reality - Abusers attitudes produce fury. Abusers are self-centered and become enraged
when attention is not focused exclusively on them. They are not abusive because they are
angry, they are angry because they abuse - This should not be mistaken for feeling guilty for
abusing.
MYTH 8 - He is mentally ill.
Reality - A very small percentage of abusers are mentally ill. Mental illness does not cause
abuse to happen, however, it can escalate the severity of abusiveness. Always bear in mind
that everything an abuser does, no matter how insane it looks, is calculated to insight fear
and compliance in his victim, and it usually works very well.
MYTH 9 - He hates women.
Reality - The attitude of an abuser toward women is disrespect and based on a sense of
superiority or contempt toward females. Disrespect is not hatred, if it were hatred abusers
would also feel this way toward their mothers, sisters, female friends and coworkers.
MYTH 10 - He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
Reality - If this were the case, why isn't everyone who fears abandonment an abuser?
Abusive men are often jealous and possessive, and their behaviors escalate when their
partners try to break up with them (Check for the selfish attitude here). Abusers worst
incidents are after periods of mounting tension, not after moments of great closeness. Some
abusers don't allow intimacy in their relationships, yet abuse anyway. This also does not
account for the many men who have strong fears of intimacy and don't abuse.
MYTH 11 - He has low self-esteem.
Reality - Abused women stroke their abuser husband's self-esteem in hopes of preventing
more abuse. This does not stop the abuse, it tends to escalate it instead. An abuser expects
his woman to cater to him, the more she does it, the more he wants (that selfish attitude
again). He likes and gets used to the luxurious treatment and demands more to feed his
insatiable appetite for pampering (the attention is all on him). Think about the victims
degradation by the abuser and how it destroys self-esteem - does that make her into a cruel
and explosive person?
MYTH 12 - His boss mistreats him.
Reality - Some of the worst abusers have been at the top of the management ladder, and
not had a boss to blame. The more power they had at work, the more catering and
submission was expected at home. Others say that they have so much power at work that
they can't turn it off when they get home - so are they abusive bosses too? Not usually.
MYTH 13 - He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
Reality - Abusers have normal skills in communication and conflict resolution - they just
choose to not use them. They have normal work lives where they get along with their
coworkers and superiors, yet at home they don't. They have the skills and choose to use
them at work, but not at home.
MYTH 14 - There are as many abusive women as abusive men.
Reality - While there are some women who abuse their husbands, they are rare compared to
the number of men abusing women. It is said that men don't come forward about their
abusive wives because of the shame. Women experience the same depth of shame, yet they
come forward in droves. If shame were the deterrent for telling about the abuse, no one
would tell. We would still be blind to the issues of any type of abuse going on around us.
MYTH 15 - His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner.
Reality - Abusive men can continue abusing for twenty or thirty years and still function in
society in a healthy way. They can pass the psychological tests for child custody better than
their wives because they have not been the ones suffering the trauma of abuse for years.
MYTH 16 - He is a victim of racism.
Reality - The majority of abusive men are white, usually well educated and economically
privileged - meaning that discrimination cannot be a central cause of domestic violence. If a
man has personally experienced oppression, he is just as likely to be sympathetic to a
womans plight as not, just like with childhood abuse.
MYTH 17 - He abuses alcohol or drugs.
Reality - Alcohol does not create an abuser any more than sobriety can cure one. There are
many abusive men who do not drink, and many alcoholic men who do not abuse. The only
way an abusive man can overcome his abusiveness is by dealing with the abusiveness.
Source: Lundy Bancroft's book" "Why Does He do That?"